Here's to you Mrs Robinson

“The quality of having experience, knowledge, and good judgement; the quality of being wise.”

Happy New Year! I have come to my favourite place to sit and have a think about everything I have achieved in 2019 and what I want to get out of 2020.

I started the New Year with great friends, kissed my darling Husband before telling him off for spilling my drink, laughed a lot and went to bed with a good book. I did this completely sober…….”how?” you may ask. I have become wise.

Now I am no Dungeon Master nor Yoda, simply a women who has gone on a short journey of self reflection and become somewhat of a wise guy. I am wise to the alcohol companies seducing us into their colourful, fun, sexy and exciting world. I am wise to the media shovelling their “prosecco is good for you”, “can you do 8 pints under £20” (yes seriously, good one Manchester Evening News) and I am wise to the fact that I allowed alcohol to create a false idea of who I was.

I entered 2020 real. Just me, no mask and I am thankful and yes a little smug (you can slap me a little) but most of all grateful for the opportunity to start with the best intentions with a full heart, no regrets and most of all no hangover.

8 months 4 days! I am on a winning streak.

It is Boxing Day here in the UK and I am awake at 7.30am clear headed, feeling positive and have a full day stretched out in front of me with my family. What a good feeling!

My absence on writing my journey has not been because I am not continually learning about myself and sobriety nor that I thought “fuck it” and threw a few bottles down my neck.

My silence has been because I wanted to live day to day without justifying to myself my reasons for choosing sober . I wanted to live it, face challenges and deal on my own without outpouring my thinking.

8 months and 4 days. Fuck I am proud of that and I now have a lot to say………

Ever met someone in a pub or bar, had the most dizzyingly funny and on point chat with each other. Left thinking you have a new bff and woke up barely remembering them? These were my enablers. I would befriend you if you if you gave me opportunity to go out and stay out.

Mean girl.

The worrying ability a lot of drinkers like me have is we are master manipulators. Working a given situation into an opportunity to have a drink because WE want too. Although thankfully this horrible trait died out for me a few years ago I spent the best part of 20 years arranging my friends or new bff’s this way. They were my enablers.

Early on in my drinking career it would manifest usually through work colleagues, all of us enabling one another the chance to get completely shit faced with no one saying STOP. If someone wasn’t coming out heck I would just send the word and a new group was formed. We loved our boozy lunch times, evenings and early mornings together, we had SO much to talk about yet I could not tell you their names now. I would leave a job and move onto something new and with that find my next enablers gang!

I never thought I would be a user but turns out I did it without knowing!

Enablers are fun fun fun, they love to party, kick back no matter what the occasion and pop a bottle or 5 all the while feeding each others own needs of being included and part of the group. Someone who doesn’t need a reason to have a drink with you, those people that would not question that 3rd bottle of wine or the mistake you are about to walk out the door with and they are the ones you can rely on to never judge no matter what. But what if we need a bit of judgement, a little bit of care and maybe a lot of caution!

Should we want a few more disablers in our lives? Those that question us, challenge our decisions and make us maybe stop and think for a few minutes? Is it fair to rely on either?

I do know now that I neither need or want enablers. I was one. We are clever and manipulative and so so selfish, maybe now is the time to change it and give a it a new meaning.

No! Yes! Maybe?

What is an alcoholic? I am sure everyone has their own definition of what they see as an alcoholic but in short for me it is someone for which alcohol is a problem. This can be the wino on the park bench or the teacher having a glass of wine every night. The binge drinker who only drinks on a Saturday or the mum tipping a shot of vodka in her coffee to start her day with a fake smile plastered on. No matter how big or small I think alcohol can be a problem in a lot of peoples lives.

So am I an alcoholic? I think Yes, No and Maybe. In my hey day yes without a doubt. From 16 to about 26 alcohol was my everything. Any excuse for a drink I would find it. I went out nearly every night and if that didn’t happen then party at mine and anyone was invited!! If you drank you were good for me.

As I neared my mid 20’s nights in with my now husband could result in a good few bottles of wine or a 18 pack of beer gone in a blissfully pissed up night together with me pushing to drink more more more, we had no responsibilities and what a great way to spend a whole weekend, who cares if I could remember it all or if we argued over absolutely nothing and everything!! I smoked up to that time too so was in my absolute element. I could smoke and drink to my hearts content, stumble into work ready for round two that night and laugh about how sick I felt or how shaky I was, how did I get to bed? or fuck it just call in sick!!

By mid 20’s wedding plans started and I quit smoking. It was like losing an arm for a time but I still had my booze so all was ok. I was growing up a bit, had a house and soon to be Husband, work got a little more serious and the nights out dwindled. I got broody and switched to nights in, days out at the zoo with Hubby in preparation of becoming parents, roobioos tea instead of caffeinated and zero alcohol when I found out I was pregnant by 3 weeks.

After 9 months of pregnancy and 3 months breast feeding I had been almost tee total for a whole year! (I had half a Guinness at 7.5months pregnant and the odd small glass of wine while feeding). No way I was risking my child! Alcoholic, no way!

Unfortunately I cannot remember much of this time, baby brain came, depression smacked me in the face and the next few years are a blur. All I know is it was not a great time, trying to manage crippling PND, an infant, work, home and a marriage. We worked hard, we got through it for which we are so thankful for but I also know it was a real teetering point probably for both of us.

That leads me to the last few years of which they have been amazing with job changes, new home, an amazing family life and all the whistles and bells that I am sure some would want to punch me in the face for in the nicest possible way. With it came a lot of celebratory drinking, a bottle of prosecco because I was so lucky to live where I live, a few beers because Hubby got promoted, 2 bottles of wine because it was sunny and fuck it aren’t we just so damn lucky! The slope started and I was finding excuses for having a drink again even if not celebrating, it’s Wednesday…drink! I had a bad day, poor me…..a drink! We are going out Saturday night so let’s have a bottle of wine Friday, just a warm up…..drink! Alcoholic? Maybe.

When I looked at women choosing sobriety I would only ever see the glossy smiley photos, the yoga mat laid out, the stunning sunsets on sober retreats, the Londonites (predominantly) in the new Sober Bar holding seemingly intellectual conversations while looking beautiful and full of life and the running theme……people that all seem to have their shit together and no worries in life now they don’t drink, life’s beautiful yada yada yada. But that is bullshit. No one has their shit together all the time, that is not how life works and nor it should be. Life is hard and can be downright awful for some but what not drinking has revealed to me is that although the shit is still there it is workable, it is not so scary, it is something that can be handled and how do I know that? Because all my shit is still with me and that is ok.

What I face now is decisions on where I want to take my shit. Do I want to do anything about the fact I have been on Citalopram for over 10 years because my post natal depression never seemed to end. Do I want to do anything about finding my Mum, a woman who abandoned me and my brother twice before I was 12 years old never to be heard from again? So there is a bit of my shit, not loads to handle and I know people have it so fucking bad sometimes but it is my shit and whereby I would drink away the guilt of being post natal, drink to hide the fact that I was having a bout of anxiety and a bottle of wine would make it go away, get angry at my Mum in my head coming up with scenarios in my drunken and fuzzy state of how I would see her again and what I would say……that never ever helped me, it just delayed the feelings for a bit, allowed me to open up to people more because we were all pissed, it would be fine they would all listen and give comforting words or act outraged for me giving me the validation I needed at that moment but I still woke up the next day and life was exactly the same although now I had the drinkers guilt of what had I said, what had I looked up? Had I phoned anyone? Had I argued or got upset in the blackout that inevitably happened? So everything was just a little worse in my mind with a hangover to boot. This is what I had to change.

Now I am going to work on myself, my issues, my hurt and fears alcohol free. They may never changes, they may get worse I don’t know but I know having a clear, rational and honest outlook is a bloody good start. So as I get my yoga mat out, dream about a lovely retreat out by the ocean that I will probably never go on and realise although I like the idea of a sober bar I would be just as happy in Starbucks with a couple of close friends that drink like fishes but have their own path I am happy that my shit is not together along with everyone else!

BBC News – Women not aware enough of breast cancer link to alcohol
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-48677953

I am ashamed to say I was completely naive in the harm alcohol can do. Cancer was not even considered! Now we all know smoking is a leading cause of cancer, we know obesity and processed foods can increase your risk of numerous cancers but alcohol? This information is not, as far as I am aware, common knowledge. Only after reading The Unexpected Joy of being Sober by Catherine Gray and the Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley (herself a breast cancer survivor) did I get that ‘OMG’ moment. I think it is fairly obvious why this information is not given freely, not made compulsory on alcohol labels like on cigarette packets and not spoke about in the media as it is down to money and the insane amount the industry brings in around the world to feed our addiction. This one is going to have to be our own study, our own concern for our health (and bank balance!) and through that maybe a growing awareness, tweaking others curiosity into life as a mindful drinker or AF and all the loveliness that comes with it.

So here it is my very first blog and a step into the unknown! I hope that this is somewhat helpful to anyone looking to cut down or remove alcohol from their life and I hope it to be an honest account of how alcohol has impacted me and why I felt it time to stop. So a little about me. I am 38 and have one husband, one daughter, two cats and two rabbits and work full time in a job that is stressful but pays the bills and affords a few treats in life.

I lead a fairly busy life juggling work/home/family and me and have it about cracked. Just.

My relationship with alcohol, of which it was long and cherished, began when I was about 14. The usual tale of drinking with friends usually at a bus stop or in a park of a weekend until puberty allowed us to finally look nearer to 18 and we could get into pubs and clubs. The ‘relationship’ lasted approx 23 years until a recent realisation took hold in which I decided I was much better off without it. That was 56 days ago and although I am a newbie to sobriety I can honestly say that I have never felt as happy or more in control of my life.

With this blog I hope to share the ups and downs warts and all of life sober from my point of view. I lead a regular life, I am not wealthy, connected nor have a sparkling social life to regale you with but what I am is a Mum approaching 40 who after many attempts at finding myself has discovered that by losing one thing from my life has opened up a whole new world that I think is pretty damn good!